My Legacy Death grasped his early morning appointment On time On plan And leered at me Come join us Or flee It doesn't matter I kissed death on the lips And felt the stubble And saw though eyes no longer attached to life Rising Overflowing with pain Death retreated Surprised To return again Rescheduled But in its place For a moment Serenity I caught a glimpse of paradise In the eyes of his early morning appointment My legacy 6/1/2004 ====================================================== The Holocaust Survivors Round Choose To die with me Or to abandon me You have too much time to decide So noble death becomes ignoble life You will have to live with your decision Your sons can't forgive you But they can recapitulate your crime Forever Therefore choose death Not mine - yours So I don't have to choose To die with you Or to abandon me 2/29/2004 ====================================================== existential terrorist the news from the front is grim today I had cried peace when there was no peace I had cried love when there was no love I surrender the illusion of easy healing few are willing to feel the pain but I can not do otherwise I must listen to my buried history and instead of digging my own grave I now unearth my life I was never loved for whom I truly am my mother needed me to meet her needs my father needed me to leave him alone my wife needed me to meet her needs personal history repeats itself until I get it right I am feeling equally optimistic and hopeless I am bombing safe houses that were never home I am liberating prisoners of my inner world I say welcome to my depression other than my integrity, it's all I own 2/1/2001 ====================================================== Job Life is weird it is not random nor is it fixed with no purpose but it is weird note also this is not to say the more you suffer the more you'll be rewarded in the end virtue and suffering have no reward but make strange bedfellows Life is weird 1/28/2001 ====================================================== Mersault's lament I raised my voice 2 db? 3 db? could it even be heard at the next table but I raised my voice why stop there why not accuse me of not crying at my mother's funeral ah, that's good, let's go for the gold child abuse, unfit parent, next stop sole custody and don't forget to cancel those vacation plans all those nice non-refundable deposits c'est la vie! but I hope you enjoyed the OJ and the warm buttered toast other than the ambush and the glint of the sun reflected off your knife blade have a nice day 1/24/2001 ====================================================== Quiet Time Are we done being fascinating yet? Can we be merely human with awkward pauses and occasional dull wit We can't always be on a roll droll, cool filled with the fire of inspiration and besides, God speaks (sometimes) in a still, soft voice and has just as much to say So let it be, and let us be just who we are 1/21/2001 ====================================================== separation the long retreat from health began with a decision to hide from the world in mutual comfort and in slow vicarious pain I remember it clearly nothing has changed since the self imposed death watch with occasional time off for circuses and bad sex I was grateful to have you and was grateful to be had and so we were to spend eternity watching our assets wither away until the day I awoke something more than I was before inspired, confused but the pattern cannot be broken or so you say to the empty room where I no longer live but still reside 1/18/2001 ====================================================== Shema Yisrael because I cried for help in a foreign tongue I bled to death on the doorstep there was no difference between kindness and mutual self interest in my last hallucination but at heaven's gate as the angels rushed past to work as the choir sang Hosanna no one heard me 1/16/2001 ====================================================== Zealot I gave up my eyes to see my freedom to be free my family to be loved my life to be alive I'm an overachiever celebrating my record body count my recapitulation of personal history my narcissism enema Is there time for an encore? 1/12/2001 ====================================================== under the wheel I have now repeated and perpetuated every major mistake my father made a new generation of damage surpassing my wildest dreams The sins of the father bear fruitful regressions with the ring of truth Will you accept my offerings Zeus & Athena I offer myself my own blood my own slit throat I have crossed the Cocytus bridge and enter Tartarus of my own free will And may you rest in peace, father I've bought your soul and transferred all your debts to mine Now, can I please live my own life? At least what's left of it in my little corner of hell. 1/8/2001 ====================================================== weightless having evaded the well intended subterfuge of transference and canceled reality checks I'm counting each razor edged snowflake the sublimation of light into darkness I have scrapped them all from my windshield but the spots remain and contacts don't work so with nothing to guide me I am launched into free fall brakes don't work either no terminal velocity to stop the acceleration of death the rush hour joy ride if I close my eyes perhaps my life will stop spinning if not, I'll just make a few attitude adjustments 12/19/2000 ====================================================== casting call most people don't even audition for their own lives preferring to sit in the audience paying others to stir their soul the brave at least are understudies rising to the challenge only for moments before their courage is consumed the heroic work eight days a week perfecting their craft pouring out their love to utter strangers requiring only the strength of their convictions to pay the rent 12/13/2000 ====================================================== crime & punishment it is insufficient to merely metaphorically sweep me off my feet it must be literal, and permanent the new eternal drug of choice so I may never have to be in pain again never have to suffer the uncertainty of being alive so go ahead, annihilate me consume me bear my sins bury me in my own neurosis but the moment you stop the moment your interest wanes the instant you stop affirming my God given right to wallow in self loathing then shame on you I gave you everything I am and you spurned me you will spend eternity being punished for your selfishness wait a minute - that's what I want! 12/07/2000 ====================================================== unrequited love I listen to Liszt but Liszt doesn't listen to me I sing Strauss but Strauss doesn't sing to me I grasp Grieg but Grieg doesn't grasp me artistic expression may be deeply gratifying but this one way communication thing sucks 11/28/2000 ====================================================== freedom from hope hope lives in the future courage in the present so I now choose to have the courage to not wait for hope to live now imperfect, flawed, and alone not needing to be rescued by the companionship of perfect hope 11/23/2000 ====================================================== the collector when I die God will examine my record collection so I dedicate these songs to the memory of what should have been 11/14/2000 ====================================================== lute and pillage orphic troubadour will sing for his daily bread but who will listen 11/13/2000 ====================================================== The Catalog Aria behold I shall tell you a mystery the database of seeking hearts that dwell in the shadow of loneliness can be searched in seconds after all, there are indexes to every emotion but it can never be plumbed as there is no compass for misery 11/08/2000 ====================================================== portrait of an artist as a middle aged kvetch just in time no time to catch my breath 24x7 no visible means of support yes, I'll make it on call, on duty, on time is it the grace of God or random chance that keeps me afloat I'm prepared and the bullets are flying at this rate of fire I'm sure to hit something 11/03/2000 ====================================================== die gedanken sind frei I know why the caged bird sings It's thoughts are free It melts the walls It has returned to it's census It counts It will not live posthumously It may not make it to the promised land but it's time is now 10/19/2000 ====================================================== nascence my primary responsibility is to be alive not to be respectable this is a hard choice there are no roadmaps for being alive for other vocations I could check out volumes but the book I need can only be written by my being and can only be read after I have lived 09/04/2000 ====================================================== life skills I never dreamed that kindness could be perverted into a weapon of manipulation I was naive but the fearless who practice this game will not be rewarded by me 08/14/2000 ====================================================== homecoming I have broken all my firewalls to the existential void all the respectable lies and busywork noise banished I stare into the nothingness and it becomes me it fits me and enchants me like the kiss of death welcome home traveler, welcome home 08/14/2000 ====================================================== matchmakers Emile de Becque, meet Yente: you don't look too thrilled to be burnt by her offering, to take another tour of duty chipping away at the Rock of Ages. Though the gods sometimes take their pleasure in mortal disguises, you can still unveil her: Ishtar was collecting lovers this week, and claimed you for a song. Considering the choices, it's probably best to dream all alone. What were you thinking, girls? 08/12/2000 ====================================================== personals Psycho killer quarantine, the road to love is serpentine my stomach turns, it twists again I hold you with my poisoned pen. Psycho killer quarantine, the plots we write are Byzantine hope springs its trap; an unmasked ball a dead end in love's shopping mall. Psycho killer quarantine, the inmate stalks an ersatz queen it's safe to come out and claim your prize the winner is the first who lies. 08/07/2000 ========================================================== oral tradition I'm as ancient as the everlasting hills I can remember before Burger Kings existed and maybe even fire I'm the ancient mariner seeking direction sinking in the sands of time and having spoken dimly of false gods have lost my bearings. Around my neck there is the noose of life choking the dreams out of me the undigested truth as I see it. The stories I relate to the random audience of chance seem hardly more lasting than a doomed pilot but despite the circling vultures of vertigo I spin my tales and sing my songs and when someone listens even for a moment I am no longer lost 07/19/2000 ========================================================== ground zero I am the sum total of my skills and obligations remove them and I am not alive 07/16/2000 ========================================================== revision history excuse me for confusing being useful with being loved it's how I was programmed and QA had informed me it's a slow process to sweep the next revision into production so be wary of old bugs they were never features in spite of what marketing told you and look forward to DML version 2.0 it's been a long time coming 07/13/2000 ========================================================== the shadow of a smile it was the mockery of a smile that neither invited nor approved that held no warmth or promise instead of hello it said invalid ID instead of a greeting it was merely a plaster a death mask that hid a world of self-righteous indignation but it could not lie to me though I had lived in fear of its every wrinkle for more years than I have left to spare its power to wound, to inspire dread is receding faster than my hairline the half life of polite asphyxiation fading faster than you can say who the hell do you think you are 05/20/2000 ========================================================== rebirth I'm having withdrawal pains from the security of the status quo from the fantasy status quo I'm all alone not saved by the bell but embraced by the quietude of the night I'm stronger than I think unvanquished by guilt, or unrequited desire I can laugh already at my past and future isn't it wonderful no longer eroticizing being controlled or the need for companionship or even the pure longing for intimacy if only I could eroticize work I'd be on to something but for now, these tears, which I have paid for with my life, are tears of joy 12/26/99 ========================================================== alt.fetish.life I hide behind kindness as a way of enslaving myself I bind myself so the erotic becomes necrotic and I smother myself to avoid the pain of living so maybe I should stop or maybe I just need one more big push to be born 11/30/99 ========================================================== treatment plan my long term treatment plan is to lie right here in the middle of the road and wait until either I die or get better in the meantime I'm tasting the mud and looking up at the stars 11/9/99 ========================================================== impersonals unrepentant bastard liability to others living in basement and unfulfilled dreams former lifetime self abasement award winner seeks asylum with incurable romantic to spend romantic evenings tied to a bedpost getting out of debt will pay in low self esteem you supply the harness energetic worker impeccable references come highly recommended still have owners manual frequent bouts of depression but responds to shock therapy guilt trips and childhood memories please call now 11/8/99 ========================================================== the end of endurance for every one of my days for every pain endured I have beaten back death until death had beaten me and on this day when judgment has fallen I have fallen too far for love to find or even memory to recall 11/7/99 ========================================================== nevermore in the shadow of a graveyard I breathe you in your scent is woven among the branches descending to touch me as I wait forever to embrace you in the darkness the weight of love has broken me I am no longer yet you haunt me and I must sleep forever without you 11/2/99 ========================================================== monsters from the id I have waited long enough for the time of my life for the end of the line to slash my risks and now I have begun to burn the bridges to my past undone and I look at you the independent lap dog is running his own life and awaits your approval the contradictions turn on themselves they lie and wait and pray my submission in writing in blood will be liberation I dream of annihilation and lust for your love 10/27/99 ========================================================== therapy haikus my superego just snapped back into place with no chiropractor have no objection to fun unless I need some and I have no needs 10/12/99 ========================================================== the fall of the millenium after the truce was declared and the truth was negotiated down from the precipice in the war of self discovery in the blood of self annulment I missed you more I thought I was reconnected plugged into myself but the buzz wore off and life wore on and I retreated wrapped up in a blanket of old routine warped by overexposure to self recrimination I drank the old wine I sucked but the bottle was empty the last performance done the applause faded and when I took my final bow I missed you more 10/2/99 ========================================================== inception I must do this alone without your touch to guide me I am groping in the dark leaving behind a trail of words you can't see them all from far away you may not hear them although I know you're listening I don't have a blueprint just a broad outline a long dormant vision and the inspiration to live and as I leap into the unknown with nothing to stop me with nothing to hold me back you can hold me when I fall embrace me if I fail laugh with me when I succeed and love me for who I am 9/2/99 ========================================================== chimera help there's a stranger in my bed if I keep very quiet and make believe its gone perhaps my wish will come true I've grown old in here now I'd rather grow young I've mortified my flesh and called it spirituality but that really just a crock so help me out here I need your support I think it heard me breathing and it won't ever stop until I make it go away 8/6/99 ========================================================== a farewell I looked out into a turbulent sky my vision clouded by too many dreams and the buzz of endless longing like the chorus of manic cicadas swelling and fading in the heat of summer and looked for you in a thousand anxious permutations that filled my heart but you could not fill my emptiness my hunger for love I tried to touch you from behind a veil of poetry with a faltering heartbeat that cried out in silence to know our secret souls and feel the weight of life stirring within us before the light flickered out time flies it doesn't stop to hear my prayers or wait for wisdom to save me from myself and fading in the distance into the hastening darkness I see my dreams disappear like a flash of summer lightning like the thoughts of febrile children into a troubled night 8/4/99 ========================================================== cutting losses if I never wrote another poem my life would be simpler but I would have died too soon severed from inspiration even my dreams withered if I don't remember what it's like to be in love I will have lost my essential illusion and no one will remain to crack the shell of a desiccated embryo 8/3/99 ========================================================== round trip taken out of my coffin for a single moment in the moonlight to feel the grass between my fingers and the wholeness of your touch then returned, disconnected from unendurable longing to sleep again in numb silence 7/23/99 ========================================================== stationary bicycle without a compass or purpose without aim or goal I am steering to the path of maximum temptation for the sum of all lost opportunities has been billed to my address and I long to pay for something real or wrong it doesn't matter I have worked up a sweat and if I pedal faster my heart leaping at the chance of life perhaps I will find a way out from this endless cycle afraid to be attractive or alone or alive driven into my heart of darkness the solution to this exercise is left to the observer whose passion is my own who arrives at nowhere to greet me and hold me and let me disappear and be born again 7/21/99 ========================================================== pain The menu was in braille and starving for affection I chose blindly and discovered I had picked an unhappy meal scars that would never heal no prizes for me just another bitter pill stuck in my throat my desires gagged and bound for evil I took leave of my senses and dreamed that pain would take me to where no one not even I belonged 7/09/99 ========================================================== disappear will someone else please be responsible for all the unpleasant decisions in my life or perhaps it is the alignment of the stars or the misalignment of my steering I can blame it all on outside agitators or perhaps a fifth column of part object conspirators inside my empty head looking to fill it with old lies there are no new messages you can keep checking every minute but the paralysis remains the fear of living 7/07/99 ========================================================== vacuum I have been cut off from you the airlock closed and half of me went missing the bag placed over my head suffocating in darkness I will drift forever tumbling over and over with no known direction only in dreams which flicker and sputter and die like I have can I see you again 6/30/99 ========================================================= adrift Lately I've taken to tearing out whole chapters from the scrapbook in my mind I can't bear to feel them I can never share them I've even passed out samples so they, by proxy, can become lost forever I burn them with heaving sobs exposing myself to the benignly indifferent universe yet utterly alone crying to atone for the shame of wishing to be to wake up and be borne waiting for hallucinations to drift me to sleep I watch the raindrops drift slowly past my window They are crying my tears But they sink unknown even by me into a paupers grave 04/09/99 ========================================================== random number generator I can't reconcile the need to be loving and need itself I can't obligate you to serve my needs unless they are your needs as well I can't determine if my desires are contradictions or if myself am a contradiction I can't divine if these patterns are random or if they repeat perhaps if I freeze my seed value I can break my code and know myself 04/09/99 ========================================================== suicide notes I can not be held responsible for my cruelty I'm in pain I can not be held responsible for my frivolity I'm in love I can not be held responsible for blowing the top of my head off (the basement or the garage?) I no longer have a home and have no hopes of finding another 03/23/99 ========================================================== arbeit macht frei I have kissed off both heaven and hell so that I may perform my duties in quiet, responsible desperation I've crunched the numbers and they are clear my life, my sentence the endless recriminations it would be so nice to just stop and quietly not exist but I can't escape there are too many miles to go and even a low signal to noise ratio offers some nourishment so onward, compulsively onward even on starvation rations it takes a very long time to die and the works I perform they will live on 03/16/99 ========================================================== a kiss before dying making love to a memory a gentle reminder of days long past as incorporeal as sex should be but isn't my tears will never end but have not yet begun the test, did I pass it have I proved my loyalty once again have I paid the requisite abuse for my reward you're sleeping in my arms but you're a million miles away and I I am nowhere to be found 02/23/99 ========================================================== entropy occasionally affectionate then disappearing for weeks under the layers of indifference I am confused by your love a moment of fire then an age of ice I am frozen, thawed, melted and broken the sum of my disorders the entropy of the universe is alive and well and living in my bedroom 01/31/99 ========================================================== nocturne I awoke from autopilot in the dead of night and dreamt of leaving the asylum without a script with only the shock of your love to cast me out into the world I bid the comfort of non-existence goodbye and passionately embraced my freedom the fear of being alive no longer buried in the dust of an unexamined life if we meet on this unknown journey two souls that might seek each other I will say to you touch me I'm no longer sterile 01/29/99 ========================================================== lost opportunity the stars were nearly in alignment not that I knew what that meant or what to do about it and then before I knew what to do the moment passed and life resumed its normal course no rewinds, no replays, no refunds 01/08/99 ========================================================== message in a bottle inside my lonely opera seemed intoxicating no gravity made your migraines irrelevant no doubt being utterly terrified nullified our obtuse nature except knowing nothing only wastes sorrow 01/07/99 ========================================================== autopilot terminally clever I'm tired of impressing you I woke up too late to start experimenting with my life so I sleepwalk towards death and no one knows the difference 01/01/99 ========================================================== a winter journey The stars were brightly shining on a cold December night and magic fire erupted in our hearts and gave us light always free to be courageous in our lives and in our art to catalog the conquests of our fears and free our hearts within the holy temple of our friendship always near no one shall sleep until I shout "long life, and Happy New Year!" 12/30/98 ========================================================== orders before the endless call to war there remained one last time to be in love before we were ripped apart so we took the chance and plunged into each other drinking of desire till the cup was drained and what remained in the dark light of morning were the unchanging orders so we obeyed them, as we had always obeyed the slaves of duty doing our jobs as we had always done them assuming our rightful place in the carnage until even our memories were worn away 12/28/98 ========================================================== dressing wounds and so again I am dressing your wounds the angry swollen bruises the sutures like bristles beauty can't be excised like a tumor and some pains can't be wrapped in bandages I quietly wind the gauze around your arm so many times but when its done you are whole again 12/25/98 ========================================================== verses hiding in words, in quicksand indifferent to sanity I am lying compulsively in my bed on verses and bid you to join me in strophic embrace in fables that need to be written, then buried to escape for all time the weight of reality and sink into Elysium and dream of you 12/21/98 ========================================================== need I need to be in love not just coasting on the status quo or triping on a pointless joyride if I borrow your soul on our journey may I give back more than I receive for love grows when given and I need to be in love 12/18/98 ========================================================== express train sleeping by the graveyard in the quiet light of dawn The snowy blanket melting on the worn out patch of lawn the wall that hangs above them hides the final resting place that waits with calm indifference for the ultimate embrace I watch them from the window every morning speeding by and I can't escape their calling though I hide in pleasant lies to rest among the sleeping I need only scale that wall and who would know me missing if I chose to leap and fall 11/30/98 ========================================================== experiments let us assume for the sake of argument that passion exists only when I say it does let us measure its longitude and iterate through its instances and return it to its rightful owner at the end of this hallucination I calculate its half life as the space between broken promises don't worry, we'll make more your aspirations will be nurtured only for the duration of this exercise and then go back on the shelf to be unwrapped at our convenience you can go back to sleep now 11/27/98 ========================================================== dazed and confused twenty minutes back from state of grace, still seeking epiphany cheap whine, stop complaining have clear vision of what should be the right path is blocked by poor impulse control watching the point of impact on the monitors in the rear view mirror all is calm, all is bright if I crash then feast on famine I can do it this time 11/17/98 ========================================================== anniversaries half asleep I found you where snow was gently falling in the warm embrace of darkness we remembered what love is and blessed the night Half awake you found me where dreams were gently waiting and we held onto paradise long enough to let it go and know we could return In the clear light of dawn I saw you regret forgotten, unneeded Time has not worn us away we have fallen in love for decades for a lifetime, forever 11/8/98 ========================================================== the dance The invitation to the dance arrived in a guilt edged envelope I refused, but could not resist hoping the endless tide of beauty would wake me, but I slept on In numb facination I turned the pages in my mind the music called me And I broke the trance Could you hear me in the boredom of a thousand lies? There were longing eyes rushing to find their partner in a whirl of mad desire What secrets we knew were revealed But the knowledge gained was lost at sunrise when dreams escape their cradle and life continues, unchanged. 11/3/98 ========================================================== intimacy There are many roads to, and from, intimacy The paths, the reasons, all intertwine and become opaque Yet the need continues without a map and the goal, even when reached, only leads us to jump off again to find what we already have, but cannot own. 11/2/98 ========================================================== Poems from 1990-1992: The air is filled with unreal possibilities, as if nothing before could ever have been, and the future could never be old. What will always be and what will never be. In its own time the world is renewed, and our souls remember. ========================================================= Who dreamed that beauty passes like a dream, that it wouldn't be long in your heart, that you would find the limits of intimacy, and must leaven your dream with despair. ========================================================== This is how death begin. In the malignant darkness of separate lives, of no good nights, of blighted love, that taken for granted withers and dies. In the looming emptiness of sleepless nights, where tears are never noticed, the recycled dreams grow stale and moldy. This is how death begin. It is now, forever now, but the weary traveler is unaware of anything beyond exhaustion, and refuses to believe that love can heal. This is how death begin. ========================================================= Written words sometimes rob the moment of its immediacy, And taste stale before they are even read. But written words sometimes let the moment resonate, Before it sinks back into the background noise of life. There are many realities, Some endure for years, and some only a moment within our minds. But the immediacy of those moments can seize your heart, And the resonance of those moments can last forever. ========================================================= What's the point of asking love to last forever: It already does, and forever will be. And yet I want to hoard love, And nail it into my heart, for fear it will be gone, If I drop my vigil. I can only hoard the tokens of love, That over time, no longer shine as brightly. But the spirit that made the tokens, The true love itself, can never be diminished, And forever will be. ========================================================= If your feet can't sustain you, Then you must dance with your heart. And if your heart can't sustain you, Then you must dance with your soul. For heaven exists Only for those who leap to find it. And finding it, can return to earth Sustained. ========================================================= At the end of my dream, when I no longer woke, The world had been removed. And everywhere there was an aching emptiness, And everything I held dear had been taken to a distance that could not be crossed by love, or kindness, or tears. I could still see the past, and people I could never touch again. And I wondered why the pain was still alive. When the dream dissolved, I heard the silence call out to me. And there was no bargaining for time, or pity, or respect. It was simply the end.