deep thoughts du jour Love is not a novelty act, but is unappealing when stale I'm in individual therapy to exorcise my family 12/17/2004 ====================================================== Top 10 ingredients found in Wheels BocaBurgers: 10) seaweed 9) bark 8) use case diagrams 7) old tires 6) new tires 5) existential angst 4) landfill 3) New York Times Sunday supplement 2) status reports 1) the snows of yesteryear 6/11/2004 ====================================================== deep thought du jour an unintegrated pleasure is also a pain 5/12/2004 ====================================================== Top 10 reasons for doing a show at Devonshire 10) Ample parking 9) Plenty of toilet paper in the dressing rooms 8) 24x7 masseuse service in the dressing rooms 7) ego-less environment 6) At least 23 current superstars launched their careers at Devonshire 5) The acoustically perfect auditorium 4) Large production budget assures no unnecessary quality compromises 3) Dead Sea Scrolls predict Messiah will (re)appear in Skokie at exact Devonshire coordinates 2) Concession stand replete with crack AND crank 1) The next show can't be worse 4/21/2004 ====================================================== deep thought du jour to raise a teenager you must master the art of negotiating with a terrorist 9/28/2001 ====================================================== deep thought du jour yes, sex is a false god but it's a false god I can believe in 9/28/2001 ====================================================== deep thought du jour love is a daily, renewed choice not some ongoing infatuation 9/21/2001 ====================================================== some of my least favorite restaurants The Bouncing Epigastrium The Glottal Plosive Rectal Epiphany 9/14/2001 ====================================================== deep thoughts du jour so what exactly does a platonic love slave do? 9/06/2001 ====================================================== vocal coaching comment of the day "I once sang with a guy playing the part of Wotan in a production of Das Rheingold - he sounded like he had a tampax stuck down his throat." 9/06/2001 ====================================================== self help thought of the day you're acting self-destructive in a way that just isn't healthy 9/06/2001 ====================================================== deep thoughts du jour The three Ss of relationships: Security, Support and inSpiration 9/05/2001 ====================================================== haiku du jour what do you want dear miss congeniality or the damn tire changed 7/13/2001 ====================================================== haiku du jour Love is too messy too scary to go home with Play it safe alone 7/13/2001 ====================================================== paging Dr. Craven it only takes one genuine coward to turn a room full of potential heroes into cowards of convenience 7/03/2001 ====================================================== emotional intimacy: to feel safe enough in your partner's love to attempt solitary & dangerous things 6/27/2001 ====================================================== Devil's Dictionary addendum Understudy: Theatrical and/or Operatic cannon fodder. My only goal as understudy was not to spontaneously combust. 6/27/2001 ====================================================== My Judeo-Christian lessons God is within us, not merely with us God is within us all, regardless of creed, sex, etc. Love God by loving one another The gap between man and perfected man is huge, but this is not sin Martyrdom is the ultimate expression of passive-aggressive behavior Reform Judaism is the fulfillment of true Christianity: The Messiah is within all of us If you're possessed by a theologian, what good is it calling an exorcist? 6/04/2001 ====================================================== deep thought du jour sometimes I feel that God is merely the sublimation of flawed human relations 5/21/2001 ====================================================== the seven stages of nurturing acceptance I'm totally supportive of your ... I'm very enthusiastic about your ... I'm mostly respectful of your ... I'm sort of accepting of your ... I'll barely tolerant of your ... I'll do everything in my power to talk you out of your ... I'm sure what you're doing is a sign of mental illness & I'll even help pay for some of the therapy to cure you of your ... 3/19/2001 ====================================================== top "jobs" requested for Take Our Children To Work Day - 2001 Hospital: performing an autopsy IT: propagating viruses Law Enforcement: Donut QA Military: sinking civilian vessels Clerical: turning water into Playstation 2 3/15/2001 ====================================================== concert notes: ** outstanding advice graffiti scrawled on back of dressing room door: "don't suck" ** When I sing the 'Pro peccatis' section from the Rossini 'Stabat Mater', its more an amateur peccatis ** I went to a concert where someone sang a bi-lingual version of "Wien, Wien, nur du allein". It was sort of like Daimler-Chrysler: It was immediately recalled, and then 20% of it was laid off. ** Press release: An entire article, reprinted without permission from the February 15th edition of The Skokie Lice: Admiral Lord Horatio Nelson, aka Baby Face Nelson, recent graduate of the FBI's 10 most wanted list, will be headlining at Skokie's Devonshire Playhouse, an acoustically perfect auditorium, where you can hear a pin drop, but only if your hearing aid is set on "stun". Horatio will be charming the pants off an adoring public of rabid fans, genetically reengineered wolverines and ex-lovers. He will be returning the pants, but not the wallets. Horatio made his debut at Carnegie Hall six weeks prior to his birth, using his limitless powers of astral projection. He will be singing a varied program of Operetta, Musical Theater, and Industrial-Euro-Techno-Pop Heavy Metal hits that have won him universal acclaim from such varied critics as John von Rhein and Ming the Merciless. Also appearing with him is the lovely and talented Helen of Troy, and two other guys who's names we've forgotten. ** Performance comments from supportive family member: 1) pants too short 2) you look terrible 3) no one could hear you it's positive feedback like this that makes me nostalgic for the good old days of damning with faint praise 2/18/2001 ====================================================== Special PA announcements attention, attention all employees: * It is now once again safe to open e-mails with virus attachments since we're going out of business anyhow. * It is now once again safe to have sex with African monkeys. But watch out for Antarctic monkeys. * It is now once again safe to operate heavy machinery while under the influence of narcotics. This will stimulate economic growth. * It is now once again safe to treat your significant other with unveiled contempt. Valentine's Day is over. * It is now once again safe to breathe asbestos; it provides a significant source of fiber. 2/15/2001 ====================================================== profit & loss I know I'm angry, but I'm filled with righteous indignation! I'm like one of those Old Testament prophets whom everyone pays lip service to admiring, but nobody really wants to live with. 2/13/2001 ====================================================== American optimism versus European pessimism as expressed by Rock bands American group: (as sung in high, nasally tenor) f**k you bitch, you don't love me anymore German group: (as sung in low, throaty baritone) Punish me! I am so tiny and you are so great 2/12/2001 ====================================================== apologies to G&S and the ABPN I am the very model of a modern psychoanalyst I practice countertransference and rarely ever do get pissed I bill my patients monthly and I fill in all the DRGs There's no excuse for canceling so I'm collecting all my fees I help each patient find their way through Byzantine depressive states I help them hate their mothers and the reasons why they masturbate I leave them drained of energy and filled with even deeper dread Until the next week's session comes and I repeat what I just said (Until the next week's session comes and I repeat what I just said) (Until the next week's session comes and I repeat what I just said) (Until the next week's session comes and I repeat what I just said just said) I know man's quest for meaning is uniquely individual And formulaic answers leave a damage quite residual But I confess I need to work and love to sound oracular In matters analytical I spout the right vernacular (But I confess I need to work and love to sound oracular In matters analytical I spout the right vernacular) 2/06/2001 ====================================================== Lawsuit haiku unfit guardian dangerously angry Dad no visitation DU haiku U238 stays fresh for 5 billion years Now that's a shelf life! DU Mom pierce my crusty exterior and fill by body with incendiary guilt 1/30/2001 ====================================================== haikus du jour without the random chance affirmations of life how could I survive I know Atlas Shrugged but far more importantly Odysseus smiled 1/29/2001 ====================================================== haiku movie review squatting hyena hyperventilating toad Peter Pan, Bruce Lee 1/8/2001 ====================================================== Golden Oldies: Hit tunes of 1963 and antiquity after the return of Odysseus I'm sure I heard Penelope whisper under her breath "my boyfriend's back and there's gonna be trouble" 1/3/2001 ====================================================== self absorption can you crawl out of your own entrails long enough to hold a conversation with something other than your own anus? 1/3/2001 ====================================================== My life's work - revealed at last!!! 10) To perform 'Stouthearted Men', in drag, with every gay singer I've ever worked with 9) To purchase a new clothes dryer for my ex, to replace the one that just died, even though I moved out over a year ago 8) To shovel the sidewalk for my ex, so the above mentioned new dryer can be delivered, even though her capable nephew who moved in a year ago to take my place stands ever available 7) To spend all of eternity courting every available female in the universe between the ages of 18 and 80 who, like me, is stupid and desperate enough to post their profile on-line. 6) To be trampled to death in the mosh pit at a Limp Bizkit concert 5) To maintain poorly written and documented VB programs 4) To determine the silver content of all the silverfish in my apartment 3) To sing like an angel when I take my rightful place in hell 2) To be the only living mortal who can balance his checkbook in binary and octal, but not decimal 1) To convert all my anger and self-loathing into chunky peanut butter 12/27/2000 ====================================================== paradigm shift what's the use of being obtuse or rambling abstruse when there's nobody's there to argue or care so save your invective for a farming collective repairing a tractor beats being an actor 12/19/2000 ====================================================== shell game I am a depressed child hiding behind an enraged teenager pretending to be a mature adult catch me if you can! 12/19/2000 ====================================================== sOS say UNIX to me and I go GUI in the knees 12/14/2000 ====================================================== an analysis of a clumsy diatribe nailed to my CRT this week: You are an evil communist - [Communism is an historical inevitability and by definition of its self-evident goodness can not be evil] bent on the subjugation of innocent hardworking democrats. - [Democrats are neither hardworking nor innocent. You running dogs of imperialism shall pay the ultimate price as we relegate you to the dustbin of history] We are the salt of the earth and we shall prevail - [enough of your Bible thumping catechism; Religion is the opium of the masses and your squandered time of addiction to decadent pleasure stolen from the sweat & labors of the downtrodden proletariat is at an end] 12/11/2000 ====================================================== professional courtesy your first instinct was to flee but damn, eye contact was already made! Now what? Well here's a hint: just smile, mumble hello, and keep walking and how hard was that? much easier than negotiating with a rabid wolverine 12/08/2000 ====================================================== relationship monopoly refugee from sanity do not resuscitate do not pass go do not collect $200 12/05/2000 ====================================================== choices choosing to love me is like choosing to open Pandora's box yech get a hammer and nail that coffin lid down 12/04/2000 ====================================================== profiles I enjoy children very much they taste just like chicken 12/04/2000 ====================================================== totally incorrect answers What do you cherish in a woman? a) the strength to do all the dirty work for me b) the innate fashion sense to dress me c) the drive to raise 8 children and still be the breadwinner d) the spirituality to deal with all that God crap e) the ability to suppress the gag reflex f) the forbearance to forgive me when I've spent our life savings on a full body tattoo g) the uncanny power to be my mommy h) an insatiable appetite for pork rinds & ribs i) her better looking sisters j) the ultimate satisfaction that the little woman knows her place 11/28/2000 ====================================================== earning my daily bread 7 am - get up. apply leeches to body 8 am - remove leeches. affix postage to forehead & deposit self in mailbox 10 am - delivered to random location. burst in song 10:01 am - greeted with confusion & embarrassment. burst into tears 12 noon - gnaw on shoulder blade for lunch 12:30 pm - walk a mile in my own boots 1 pm - saw off calluses from walking a mile in my own boots 3 pm - awaken from refreshing nap under my desk 4:30 pm - get into high gear & write 14 sonnets, 37 haikus, and 93 ActiveX components 6 pm - enjoy leisurely dinner consisting of old dental fillings 8 pm - study music and practice breath control by not breathing 8:05 pm - pass out 11 pm - return to my earth filled coffin 11/28/2000 ====================================================== sibilant sibyl so the psycho psych nurse says I'll save your psyche for a song and certify your sanity for sex no thanks! 11/28/2000 ====================================================== sacred sabotage if your day is diverging from God's ultimate plan plant some C4 on the tracks and derail it 11/28/2000 ====================================================== credo if you can't be enthusiastic about me don't do me any favors love me don't damn me with faint praise or insult me with games 11/27/2000 ====================================================== e-match The micro-verse of virtual matchmaking is as predictable as chaos theory, and as emotionally volatile as a virtual mosh pit Hang on for the ride of your life 11/21/2000 ====================================================== does not play well with others people are under no obligation to be polite but God, does it hurt when they're not 11/20/2000 ====================================================== value judgment you can never go wrong being cynical however, that makes it all but impossible to ever go right 11/19/2000 ====================================================== the fugitive I flee on luge applying rouge my life's a kludge the risk is huge and I'm a stooge because my life is subterfuge 11/17/2000 ====================================================== love for sale does passion exist, indivisible or can it only be purchased by the pound? 11/11/2000 ====================================================== census in Elysium all the bright Cherubim and Seraphim and even the EMH ones sing your praises 11/10/2000 ====================================================== bedtime prayer please me patient with me God isn't finished with me yet He just needs to break a few more of my ribs existential angst hurts so good 11/03/2000 ====================================================== e-mails I never finished reading "Make love like a teen again!" Why in God's name would I want that? I am not nostalgic about premature ejaculation and not knowing what goes where 10/19/2000 ====================================================== deep thought du jour How can you be insubordinate in a partnership? It's easy: just observe 99% of all marriages 10/06/2000 ====================================================== partial credit singing concert versions of opera is like masturbating: ain't nothing wrong with it but nevertheless woefully incomplete 10/05/2000 ====================================================== the lazy evangelist I realize I may not spend much time in the company of God but I assure you the time I do spend is quality time 09/18/2000 ====================================================== a voice in the wilderness I shall weep no more by the waters of Babylon because I have discovered the talking garbage cans of Taco Bell They speak to me in a still soft voice They thank me, repeatedly if I keep lifting the lid They are a balm to my soul I will eat there more often For there a restless heart can find companionship At least until midnight 09/14/2000 ====================================================== got that? I had to destroy this village in order to save it. I can only go out with you if I won't ever see you again. I can only love you if you hate yourself. 09/14/2000 ====================================================== ritual is the vessel for the message the medium for the message without which the message might get diluted or lost But the medium is not the message - do justice love mercy and walk humbly with your God. Don't worry about the format or even if there is a format. Worry about the function and a goodly format will follow. 09/14/2000 ====================================================== Thank God It is just as much an insult to God to bless him for a random good event as it is to curse him for a random bad event By the way, this presupposes that there are random good events as well as random bad events shit happens so does anti-shit 09/13/2000 ====================================================== IT Top 10 movie rentals this week: 10) The Hearing Aid Story a.k.a. Stick it in Your Ear 9) Attack of the 50 foot Data Entry Operator 8) My PC ate my soul 7) MI3: Tom Cruise gets good response time out of NT 6) Sailor Moon meets Gladiator 5) Winnie the Pooh meets Shakespeare a.k.a. Piglet performs Hamlet 4) How I drove down The Road Less Traveled on Firestone tires 3) Mackinac Island - Secret HQ of alien zombie flesh eating consultants 2) Long Term IRA Investments: How to survive the Apocalypse 1) 2001 Dalmatians get spayed 09/12/2000 ====================================================== Job Life is weird it is not random nor is it fixed with no purpose but it is weird note also this is not to say the more you suffer the more you'll be rewarded in the end virtue and suffering have no reward but make strange bedfellows Life is weird 09/09/2000 ====================================================== credo I deserve to be loved for who I am not despised not grudgingly tolerated not loved for my usefulness not loved for my loyalty not loved for my flaws but loved for who I am 09/09/2000 ====================================================== drop-out power and control is a game where everyone loses don't play 09/01/2000 ====================================================== no pun refused after polling no one in particular making the irritating and illogical decision to join a vexillological organization I flagged down the nearest taxi and waved good bye to sanity. 08/30/2000 ====================================================== pharmacopoeia new, improved longer lasting ephemeral pleasures now with patented whole grain ethereal substance! taken once a day they last a lifetime and keep your uplifted spirits down to earth look for them in you grocer's freezer case or in the heat of the night. 08/30/2000 ====================================================== wasted effort who boiled the neshomeh out of you, shaineh maidel? you tasted better when you were traif. 08/28/2000 ====================================================== pair of docs what happens when an incurable optimist collides with an insufferable cynic? The cynic disappears in a puff of bullshit. The optimist inherits the earth. 08/24/2000 ====================================================== an updated guide to dating people who say they're looking for honesty are lying people who say it's only what's in your heart that counts take your money people who say they can't stand hostility are passive aggressive people who say they're single have been married four times people who say they are healthy are drug addicts people who say they are attractive are refugees from an Ivan Albright painting people who say they are supportive are more interested in their own security people who say they are nurturing are empire builders people who say they want to spoil you want you to spoil them people who say they have no hidden agenda are pathologically manipulative people who say they will give you space suffocate you people who say they value you treat you like dirt people who say they admire you are covetous people who say they will travel any distance to meet you won't get off their ass to turn off the TV and lastly, people who say they are not players live the game so go home, hide under the covers and read a good book your odds of finding true love are better 08/15/2000 ====================================================== marinate nothing rhymes with albatross I guess I'll have to bear that cross and choose my words more carefully or let this ditty drown at sea 08/14/2000 ====================================================== Thoreau-ly disgusted I used to lead a life of quiet desperation now I lead a life of noisy desperation 06/30/2000 ====================================================== describe your perfect mate; check as many as apply. Feel free to add a new description, or delete the whole thing in disgust. ____ someone who will pay the bills and leave you alone ____ someone who will piss you off so much you don't have to think about your issues ____ someone who will accommodate your needs if it isn't too much of a bother ____ someone safe who barely exists and doesn't challenge you ____ someone who resonates with you and uplifts your soul 06/26/99 ====================================================== Top 10 most feared secret revelations in "The Phantom Menace" 10) George Lucas has forgotten how to direct 9) Yoda gets it on with a bucket 8) Jar Jar Binks was drunk every day during the shoot 7) Anakin Skywalker eats his buggers 6) Natalie Portman becomes so thin, some fear her performance will be considered two dimensional 5) Samuel L. Jackson keeps sneaking on his curly wig from "Pulp Fiction" 4) Ewan McGregor gives up the force to become a heroin addict; Oh, sorry, that was in "Trainspotting" 3) Senator Palpatine runs for president, but is derailed by an intern 2) Darth Maul's dubbed voice was accidentally dubbed in Greek 1) Liam Neeson keeps babbling about some damn list while kicking people in the shins. 05/17/99 ====================================================== top 10 inappropriate and/or impossible things to do via e-mail 10) decide who pays the check at a restaurant 9) alert the fire department your house is on fire 8) maintain eye contact 7) hold hands 6) share a bowl of popcorn 5) have an heated argument 4) announce you're pregnant 3) skydive 2) watch South Park 1) sustain a relationship without also living in the real world 05/17/99 ====================================================== actual dialog of highly motivated software developers. Names changed to protect the innocent: Bill: I can't believe how primitive the development tools are under Linux Ted: That's the whole point. To suffer. Windows programmers are wusses. Bill: But how can I get anything done under Linux? Ted: Shut up already! Or do I have to make you my coding bitch? 05/14/99 ====================================================== undiscovered planets, for the Gustav Holst's revised score to "The Planets, deluxe edition" Pluto - the bringer of painful hemorrhoids FloingDoing - the bringer of embarrassing erections Blarf - the bringer of head lice WattaWatta - the bringer of migraine headaches AlphaBeta - the bringer of cellulite OSoloMio - the bringer of overpaid tenors Esterhazy - the bringer of Purim latkes & sauerbraten MouseDroppings - the bringer of perpetual software upgrades Altaria - the bringer of antidepressants HabiusCorpus - the bringer of jury summons 05/11/99 ====================================================== bad timing "it's too early/too late" is the poor sad sack's fate his mortified wishes he never can sate "I'll love you tomorrow" is her oft stated plea to slam shut the window of opportunity but tomorrow never comes and neither does he 04/29/99 ====================================================== great methods of helping your immune system 10) limiting your intake of arsenic to only three grams/day 9) excluding African monkeys from your list of regular sex partners 8) Chicken Soup! 7) not licking paintbrushes used for painting glow in the dark radium dials for wristwatches 6) Eat a dozen oranges every hour 5) Eliminate major stresses from your life: don't work 4) Sleep around the clock, waking only for weekly episodes of "South Park" 3) Sleep in a bed of zinc tablets, and keep licking 2) "Button up your overcoat when the wind is free..." 1) Listen to Mozart at least three hours/day 04/16/99 ====================================================== Good Reasons to Learn Hungarian 1) Zoltan Kodaly's folk opera Hary Janos 2) Converse with the Gabor sisters (dead or alive) 3) Order Goulash at Hungarian restaurants like a pro 4) Being able to spell, pronounce, and dance the Chardash 5) Budapest is lovely this time of year 6) Paprika: it's not just for breakfast anymore! 7) The inevitable reunification of the Austro-Hungarian empire 8) Hungaraton CD liner notes will be easier to read 9) Franz Liszt was Hungarian! 10) Cryptic Microsoft Windows programming naming conventions known as "Hungarian" notation 04/15/99 ====================================================== Non Traditional S&M practices 10) listening to the "Marriage of Figaro" as sung by Kathy Lee Gifford & Barry Manilow 9) working 8) watching 2001 on a 9" TV 7) eating Godiva chocolates while having a root canal 6) being on vacation in the Dells 5) life 4) choosing a career as a singer 3) owing Amazon or Yahoo stock 2) marriage 1) skydiving without a parachute 04/14/99 ====================================================== the chase if love is best served pure and chaste from afar then show me the way to the next whiskey bar I'd rather be sullied and chased from a' close and be burned by your love and get turned into toast 03/19/99 ====================================================== bon mots of the day * the best lust is a side effect of true love * I don't wallow in despair, I just take a shower in it from time to time 03/17/99 ====================================================== thoughts while learning Copland's setting of the hymn "At The River" ecstasy and the ability to delay gratification can only be resolved in the love of God 03/10/99 ====================================================== sexual variants power and control is about as erotic as changing a diaper try not to get any on you is a musical equivalent to faking an orgasm pretending to love "Die Meistersinger"? 03/08/99 ====================================================== Things learned from 'Hilary & Jackie' 1) Never leave your cello out in the snow 2) Always speak gibberish German whenever possible, especially to toadying Germans 3) Sweat is sexy 4) If you happen to meet your own ghost, just be polite and let it do the talking 5) If your Dad happens to be the doctor from "Alien 3", watch out for large monsters lurking in the shadows, and/or subtly anti-Semitic comments, whichever comes first 6) Sex is cathartic, but only with the right person(s) 7) Mahler is the number one cause of broken marriages 8) Forget flowers, just send clean laundry 9) B flat is my favorite note, and I could blow it/stroke it/hum it for hours at a time 10) Art kills 02/15/99 ====================================================== Top 10 Ways to Celebrate Mozart's Birthday 10) Invite a stoned guest to dinner 9) Have sex with 1003 Spanish women (extra points if you're a woman) 8) Bury yourself in a pauper's grave 7) Write a scatological nursery rhyme to your secret love 6) Spend all your money faster than you can make it 5) Get poisoned by a jealous admirer 4) Always listen to your father 3) Join a Masonic order & learn a really cool secret handshake 2) Walk through fire and not get burned 1) Listen to his music and wonder if heaven is nearly as nice 01/27/99 ====================================================== favorite Rugby teams: polymorphic multithreaded antipatterns uncovered staddle butterfly spreads anthropomorphic spoonerisms transvestite hermaphrodites sheep shagging Shakespeare shrimpers 01/14/99 ====================================================== Prize suggestions for winning the "guess my IQ contest", in increasing value: 10) An autographed copy of my cerebral cortex 9) a used CTA transit pass 8) a copy of Windows 1.0 7) an ice scraper 6) two weeks on the surface of Mars 5) one week on the surface of Mars 4) Madonna sings Madame Butterfly, not available in any store! 3) Any recording of your choice converted to RealAudio, and spammed to every user of AOL 2) A poem of your choice sculpted in mashed potatoes 1) Season tickets to the Met (this offer valid only for years not divisible by one) 01/06/99 ====================================================== The opera police I have been informed by the Opera Police that you are not a Wagner fan. This behavior can no longer be tolerated. To bring yourself back into compliance with correct musical thinking, you are to obey the following strict regimen: 1) each morning at 6 AM you are to sing Fricka's kvetching scene (Die Walkure, Act 2) at the top of your lungs until either you hyperventilate or see visions of spear bearing gerbils. 2) at 9 AM you are to cease any other activity and forge a sword (Siegfried, Act 1) using nothing but a stalk of celery and some Miracle Whip 3) at 12 noon you are to don the Tarnhelm (Das Rheingold) and turn yourself into either a newt or Speaker of the House, whichever is more repulsive 4) at 3 PM you are to dive into a funeral pyre (Twilight of the Gods, Act 3) of your choice and chant "Tis a far far better thing I do now than I have ever done before" 5) at 6 PM you are to take the nearest swan (Lohengrin, Act 3) to the Washington Street subway station, and pluck on it until you are either arrested or make $50 in contributions to the "Nuke the Whales" society. 6) at 9 PM you are to find the Holy Grail (Parsifal) and see if it is microwave safe 7) at midnight you are to drink a love potion (Tristan and Isolde) and transform this interminable opera into a 3 minute music video You are to repeat these activities daily until either you see the light of Wagnerian illumination or toss your cookies, which ever comes first. Thank You the management 01/06/99 ====================================================== resumes we never finished reading I'm filled with ideas bang on me like a pinata and see what falls out 12/30/98 ====================================================== Performance Biography for "uncle" Joe Stalin: I Love Lenin - played part of crazy Cuban bandleader and revolutionary who marries for the love of the proletariat The Red Shoes - played part of historically inevitable slippers that advocate the demise of capitalism Hot to Trotsky - played part of icepick that dispatches revisionist comrade to his un-heavenly reward Pushkin Comes to Shove - played part of KGB agent who recites poetry while terminating running dogs of imperialism Kats - played part of heroic hairball coughed up by Grizabelovitch, the tractor repairing cat Henry IV, Part 3 - played part of drunken nihilist who single-handedly destroys the corrupt British monarchy when not too busy charming the ladies 11/14/98 ====================================================== The difference between programmers and singers Programmers say: "so and so is the worst programmer on the planet, I can't understand why he/she isn't fired" Singers say: "so and so is a great singer, I'd kill for his/her technique" Programmers assume their job is done when they finish their one, specific piece of the puzzle Singers don't assume their job is done until the whole ensemble works together Programmers will go out of their way never to communicate with anyone, ever For singers, communication is whole point Programmers will cut every corner available because no one will know until it is too late Singers can't easily cut corners because it's usually obvious in real time Programmers typically work with non-existent, incomplete, or contradictory specifications Singers typically work with perfect specifications: the score Programmers are paid great salaries to be mediocre Singers that are great usually have to settle for mediocre pay and finally: in software, the devil is in the details in music, God is in the details 11/16/98 ========================================================== trios a soprano will never sing piano unless she's dying, and the tenor is crying in which case he's lying for there's always a mezzo he wants to know better but he ought to forget her; although more alluring her love's not enduring so listen with mercy to this ponderous tale: at least while they're singing we forget it's so stale 11/5/98 ========================================================== baritones baritones have feelings too although they're bastards through and through in velvet capes in love with rape baritones have feelings too the tenor gets the girl the bass gives sage advise the baritone goes straight to hell a victim of his vice although they're always hated with egos self inflated what else should they do? they could stop their whoring but that would be boring baritones have feelings too 11/3/98 ========================================================== other bon mots * sex is the universal solvent * virtue is merely insufficient temptation * virginity is a state of mind